|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 17, 2006 10:36:32 GMT -5
My favorite statement in that whole article: "Cats have no handles." LOL!
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 17, 2006 10:11:33 GMT -5
Maybe this would help...
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 17, 2006 10:07:03 GMT -5
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 12, 2006 12:46:46 GMT -5
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband dressed in camo stalking around with a fly swatter. Knowing he was an avid hunter, and knowing that nothing was currently in season, she figured he was going through hunting withdrawal. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh yeah. Are you killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "3 Males and 2 females ? How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 12, 2006 7:15:54 GMT -5
They always call em like they see em.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 10, 2006 9:46:52 GMT -5
zing!
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 10, 2006 14:29:56 GMT -5
I find myself taking the Ranger out more and more. I have the 4.6 liter V8 in my F-150, which isn't too bad, but you can't beat the 4 banger.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 10, 2006 7:02:51 GMT -5
Rodney? is that you?
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on May 5, 2006 7:33:21 GMT -5
LMAO!
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 28, 2006 8:21:52 GMT -5
#16 is just too good.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 27, 2006 8:15:42 GMT -5
Nice. I sent that to a couple of members of the Clark County Cattleman's association. Excellent joke.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 26, 2006 10:10:56 GMT -5
Rodney? Is that you? I thought you were dead.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 7, 2006 8:54:48 GMT -5
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubs.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" he asks her.
"Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head."
;D
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Mar 29, 2006 11:29:47 GMT -5
I have been around plenty of smart blondes.
They were mostly yellow labs...
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Mar 29, 2006 11:18:18 GMT -5
Visit 1. Jiffy Lube forgot to put my oil cap back on, oil everywhere Visit 2. Jiffy Lube didn't seat dipstick properly, oil everywhere, plus they overinflated my tires These guys are total mornons, won't go back; you'd think they'd be experts at changing oil 'cause that's what they do, but think again. Anybody else have trouble with Jiffy Lube? Yes. My only visit to JL involved me pulling away and the new "properly installed" oil filter blowing off of my truck, spilling ALL of the oil in the street. THey pulled me back in and got me going again, but I will NEVER go back there. I go to the local shop and let them do it.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 3, 2006 10:11:40 GMT -5
So is your Dad really your Uncle??? Or is it your Mom is your Aunt? All the good hospitals are in Louisville, so there are a lot of pseudo Kentuckians round these parts.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 3, 2006 10:01:21 GMT -5
I was born in KY, so I are one I guess.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 3, 2006 9:53:11 GMT -5
Can never happen.
Nobody leaves shoeprints, there are no dental records, and the DNA is all the same.
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Apr 1, 2008 7:27:31 GMT -5
Welcome!
|
|
|
Post by chicobrownbear on Mar 25, 2008 8:16:52 GMT -5
lymanl3 builds homebrew cams.
|
|