Post by raporter1 on Jan 9, 2006 15:44:41 GMT -5
WORLD HISTORY ... AS IT REALLY HAPPENED
>>
>>Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
>>hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
>>summer &would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
>>winter.
>>
>>The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention
>>of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to
>>get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
>>civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
>>humanity into 2 distinct
>>subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
>>
>>Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
>>beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
>>were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting
>>around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
>>the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>>
>>Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q
>>at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of
>>what is known as "the Conservative movement."
>>
>>Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
>>live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and
>>doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
>>of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
>>evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
>>
>>Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
>>cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
>>of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
>>conservatives provided.
>>
>>Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the
>>largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
>>are symbolized by the jackass.
>>
>>Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
>>prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
>>like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
>>liberal fare.
>>
>>Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
>>have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
>>personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
>>group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
>>hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
>>
>>Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
>>provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
>>cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
>>doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
>>and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
>>companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
>>
>>Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
>>producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
>>believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
>>most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
>>coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
>>created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
>>
>>Here ends today's lesson in world history:
>>
>>It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
>>angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
>>will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
>>history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true
>>believers."
>>
>>While it may be true that these facts are mildly distorted, I'll
>>bet you ended up with a smile ~~~ I did....
>>
>>Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
>>hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
>>summer &would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
>>winter.
>>
>>The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention
>>of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to
>>get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
>>civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
>>humanity into 2 distinct
>>subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
>>
>>Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
>>beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
>>were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting
>>around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
>>the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>>
>>Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q
>>at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of
>>what is known as "the Conservative movement."
>>
>>Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
>>live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and
>>doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
>>of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
>>evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
>>
>>Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
>>cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
>>of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
>>conservatives provided.
>>
>>Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the
>>largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
>>are symbolized by the jackass.
>>
>>Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
>>prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
>>like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
>>liberal fare.
>>
>>Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
>>have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
>>personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
>>group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
>>hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
>>
>>Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
>>provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
>>cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
>>doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
>>and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
>>companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
>>
>>Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
>>producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
>>believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
>>most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
>>coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
>>created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
>>
>>Here ends today's lesson in world history:
>>
>>It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
>>angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
>>will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
>>history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true
>>believers."
>>
>>While it may be true that these facts are mildly distorted, I'll
>>bet you ended up with a smile ~~~ I did....
