Post by tusti on Dec 27, 2005 16:43:02 GMT -5
Holiday Eating Tips
>
>1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
>table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
>carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
>balls.
>
>2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! Like fine single-malt
>scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
>can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
>that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
>turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
>one for me. Have two.
>
>3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
>gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
>your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
>
>4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
>whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
>car with an automatic transmission.
>
>5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
>your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
>other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
>
>6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
>Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
>This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
>buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
>eggnog.
>
>7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
>frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
>yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
>becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
>shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
>
>8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,if
>you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
>three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
>
>9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
>mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
>some standards.
>
>10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
>or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
>
>Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
>
>Remember this motto to live by -
>
>"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
>arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
>skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
>totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride !!!! Where are my
>pants?"
>
>MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
>
>
>1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
>table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
>carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
>balls.
>
>2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! Like fine single-malt
>scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
>can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
>that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
>turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
>one for me. Have two.
>
>3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
>gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
>your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
>
>4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
>whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
>car with an automatic transmission.
>
>5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
>your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
>other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
>
>6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
>Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
>This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
>buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
>eggnog.
>
>7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
>frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
>yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
>becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
>shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
>
>8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,if
>you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
>three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
>
>9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
>mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
>some standards.
>
>10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
>or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
>
>Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
>
>Remember this motto to live by -
>
>"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
>arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
>skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
>totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride !!!! Where are my
>pants?"
>
>MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
>