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Post by Woody Williams on Nov 11, 2005 6:33:05 GMT -5
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Post by Woody Williams on Nov 11, 2005 6:33:26 GMT -5
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Post by Woody Williams on Nov 11, 2005 8:08:36 GMT -5
This Pun is For You
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer for me, please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing ' The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"
15. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by Woody Williams on Nov 11, 2005 8:12:51 GMT -5
Bits of Profundity
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team
is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
Bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
Are probably dead.
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Post by Woody Williams on Nov 11, 2005 9:47:05 GMT -5
The Hamster
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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't thing you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
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Post by squirrelhunter on Nov 11, 2005 11:46:54 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Hunter Mike
Junior Member
www.thehuntinlodge.com
Posts: 30
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Post by Hunter Mike on Nov 11, 2005 11:57:57 GMT -5
Love the Hampster one.  |
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Post by raporter1 on Nov 16, 2005 16:54:30 GMT -5
Subject: Fw: Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
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Post by ccavacini on Nov 17, 2005 7:00:42 GMT -5
Thanks for the jokes....enjoyed all of them...
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