Pub Talk

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly lady came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses
you".
Cost me 6 stitches.


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you
lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her body.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat lady dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."