Post by DEERTRACKS on Feb 25, 2008 10:43:46 GMT -5
Subject: Taser Gifting
>
> This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find
> yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come with
the
> laughter)
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his
> lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a
> little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
>
> 'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc
> of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on
> the
> face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second)
> and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give
> this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
> taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make
> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
> longer
> than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
> looking
> at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> triple-A
> batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
> I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as
> to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from
such
> a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself
> a
> one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
> thigh, pushed the button, and ..
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
> over again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in
> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and
> tingling in my legs.
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do
> it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself!
>
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by
> a
> violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure,
> as
> time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little
> I
> had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were
> on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps,
> right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it
> had
> been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm
still
> looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe
> return!! Still in shock!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
>
> This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find
> yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come with
the
> laughter)
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his
> lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a
> little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
>
> 'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc
> of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on
> the
> face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second)
> and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give
> this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
> taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make
> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
> longer
> than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
> looking
> at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> triple-A
> batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
> I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as
> to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from
such
> a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself
> a
> one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
> thigh, pushed the button, and ..
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
> over again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in
> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and
> tingling in my legs.
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do
> it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself!
>
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by
> a
> violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure,
> as
> time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little
> I
> had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were
> on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps,
> right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it
> had
> been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm
still
> looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe
> return!! Still in shock!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
