Post by Woody Williams on Apr 14, 2007 16:46:45 GMT -5
Rodney Dangerfield one liners…
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
My wife's cooking is so bad the flies pitched in to fix the hole in the screen door.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god, twins"
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Why her cooking is so bad that I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Boy is my wife stupid. She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes..
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I did get the license number".
My wife is a lousy driver. I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
My wife's cooking is so bad the flies pitched in to fix the hole in the screen door.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god, twins"
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Why her cooking is so bad that I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Boy is my wife stupid. She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes..
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I did get the license number".
My wife is a lousy driver. I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
