Dear Mom

A MOTHER PASSING BY HER SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN, SHE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTRE OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED "MOM." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, SHE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR MOM,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA. SHE IS SO NICE, EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCINGS, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT IS NOT ONLY THE PASSION, MOM. SHE'S PREGNANT, AND BARBARA SAYS THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN I AM SHE OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS, AND HAS ENOUGH FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS, TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HARM ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER. SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
MYSELF SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN.
YOUR SON,
BILLY

P.S. MOM, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M ACROSS THE ROAD AT BOB'S HOUSE. I
JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU! CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME!!