Post by racktracker on Nov 23, 2006 10:19:54 GMT -5
All tongue planted firmly in cheek...but a good lesson.
HOW TO MAKE BEEF TASTE LIKE VENISON
1. Start one year before culling date to insure proper care, feeding the
steer only wild berries, slough grass, weeds, sage and tree bark.
2. About two hours before you are ready to butcher, have a friend chase the
steer around to get the blood and adrenaline into the meat. Shoot
immediately after chasing. Aim carefully, making sure it's a gut shot, and
try to do this via a hind quarter. A good shot will tenderize the meat and
get as much hair as possible in the impact area.
3. Drag the steer to a swamp and field dress it in the swamp. Make sure to
get as much grass, leaves, sticks, weeds, cattails and debris as possible
inside the carcass. Now drag at least one-half mile across a summer fallow
field to get plenty of dirt mixed into the wound and the interior of the
carcass.
4. Carefully load the steer on a car/truck and drive down a gravel road at
least five miles, then down a highway several miles more. This will get as
much highway grime, bugs, sand and rocks embedded in the meat as possible.
(For extra flavor, this should be done in the rain or snow.)
5. Hang the steer in the garage making sure to leave the hide on the
carcass. Also hang it low enough so that your dog can chew on the hind
quarters and properly mark it as his territory. At least once a day have
your wife idle a vehicle for 5 minutes in the garage. Carbon monoxide adds
greatly to the flavor.
6. When the carcass smells so bad that you can hardly stand being in the
garage, approximately February, the meat is ready. Remove the hide leaving
traces of hair, bullet holes and blood with each package. Get out the recipe
book OR give generous samples to the in-laws, pals and neighbors.
If properly followed, just think how everyone will marvel at how much your
beef tastes like venison and you won't even have to put on that crazy orange
outfit and walk 300 miles each November!
HOW TO MAKE BEEF TASTE LIKE VENISON
1. Start one year before culling date to insure proper care, feeding the
steer only wild berries, slough grass, weeds, sage and tree bark.
2. About two hours before you are ready to butcher, have a friend chase the
steer around to get the blood and adrenaline into the meat. Shoot
immediately after chasing. Aim carefully, making sure it's a gut shot, and
try to do this via a hind quarter. A good shot will tenderize the meat and
get as much hair as possible in the impact area.
3. Drag the steer to a swamp and field dress it in the swamp. Make sure to
get as much grass, leaves, sticks, weeds, cattails and debris as possible
inside the carcass. Now drag at least one-half mile across a summer fallow
field to get plenty of dirt mixed into the wound and the interior of the
carcass.
4. Carefully load the steer on a car/truck and drive down a gravel road at
least five miles, then down a highway several miles more. This will get as
much highway grime, bugs, sand and rocks embedded in the meat as possible.
(For extra flavor, this should be done in the rain or snow.)
5. Hang the steer in the garage making sure to leave the hide on the
carcass. Also hang it low enough so that your dog can chew on the hind
quarters and properly mark it as his territory. At least once a day have
your wife idle a vehicle for 5 minutes in the garage. Carbon monoxide adds
greatly to the flavor.
6. When the carcass smells so bad that you can hardly stand being in the
garage, approximately February, the meat is ready. Remove the hide leaving
traces of hair, bullet holes and blood with each package. Get out the recipe
book OR give generous samples to the in-laws, pals and neighbors.
If properly followed, just think how everyone will marvel at how much your
beef tastes like venison and you won't even have to put on that crazy orange
outfit and walk 300 miles each November!