Friday Funnies.. | HUNTING INDIANA

Friday Funnies.. Aug 31, 2005 12:14:32 GMT -5

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Post by Woody Williams on Aug 31, 2005 12:14:32 GMT -5

I wont be on here this Friday so I'm starting the Friday Funnies a couple of days early.

Add to it as you wish...

PONDERISMS

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it."

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· Does pushing the elevator buttons more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? LOL...

Friday Funnies.. Aug 31, 2005 12:19:47 GMT -5

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Post by Woody Williams on Aug 31, 2005 12:19:47 GMT -5

RULES THAT CATS LIVE BY

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything; Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".

Following are the rules for "hampering":

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

7) When human is using laptop, make sure to walk on keys, then lay down on computer blocking screen and keys. This will teach them not to hold laptop, instead of you! (submitted by a viewer)

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your rear end to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.